


Letting Go

by burntwings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medieval, Anxiety, Arranged Marriage, Hate to Love, I'll add tags as the story progresses, M/M, Panic Attacks, Prince Castiel, Prince Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2015-02-04
Packaged: 2018-02-09 06:58:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1973265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burntwings/pseuds/burntwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prince Castiel Novak has faced many difficulties in his life. Many of which he doesn't like to recall. He was content with his relationship with his Knight Balthazar; the man he loves so dearly. It all comes crashing down when his father, King James Novak, orders him to marry Prince Dean Winchester. Castiel begins to feel resentment towards his future husband. </p><p>This is a story about gaining one's trust and love, letting go of the past, and moving forward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The edges of Castiel’s vision was blurring. His chest felt as if it was aching from how constricted it felt. When did he get on the floor? Why was he shaking? Right, because his father- his father just dropped the biggest bomb on him. Sometimes he liked to go to his happy place- the place where he felt the most secure. A place where he could get away from the horrid reality he lived in. He never wanted to be a Prince. He didn’t ask to be a part of royalty. One would think that Castiel Novak was ungrateful for thinking so. He should have everything that he ever wanted. That was most certainly not the case.

 

“Get off the floor and give me an answer, Castiel.” King James Novak bellowed as he paced back and forth in Castiel’s room.

Castiel thought he heard someone speaking to him but he couldn’t make out who he was. If he tried he knew he might pass out or die. A small part of him knew that it was just his anxiety feeding his lies, but at the moment the pain, the fear, the severity of the situation was too much for him to bear.

 

“I did not raise you to be weak, Castiel. I won’t take no as an answer. You will marry Prince Dean Winchester, whether you like it or not.” James ran his fingers through his hair and continued, “Oh, and get rid of that whore of a boyfriend you have or I’ll do it myself.” With that he made his way out of Castiel’s bedroom.

 

Who was his father talking about? It was hard putting two and two together so he decided to remain lying on the floor. The coolness from the tiles he felt on his cheek was rather comforting. He focused on his breathing and slowly drifted off to sweet slumber.

 

xxx

When Castiel came to, he was in his bed. Someone had wrapped him in a blanket. It must have been Anna, his sweet younger sister. She’s always been the one who has helped him through tough situations.

 

He rubbed his eyes, sat up, and leaned against the headboard. He noticed that a cup of water was placed on his side table. He felt very grateful to have at least one sibling who cared.

 

He reached for the cup of water and took a sip. His throat was dry but the water felt like heaven. Memories from hours ago rushed back to him. He was in fight or flight mode at the time but he remembered every word that his father said to him.

 

He had to make a decision. Leave Balthazar and marry Prince Dean so his father could form an alliance with King John Winchester of Sussex, or run away with Balthazar with the fear of getting his lover and himself killed.

 

Castiel wished that circumstances were different. He loved Balthazar ever so dearly but he could never imagine getting him killed. He had to make the right decision no matter how difficult it may be.

 

He needed to talk to Balthazar before his father got to him first.

 

xxx

 

It took him a few minutes to get to Balthazar’s room. Balthazar was a knight, a high born, but not fit to be his husband. Castiel had argued with his father countless times to have them wed, but his father was obstinate. He reminded Castiel of his title, of what his future will be. Castiel was to be king after his father died. King James Novak was sick, it wasn’t long before he was to become history, much to their country’s relief.

 

Castiel knocked on the door and Balthazar opened within an instant. He rushed Castiel inside and leaned in for a kiss.

 

“Balthazar, not right now. I have something important to talk to you about.” Castiel said as he leaned away, back against the wall.

 

Balthazar frowned, taking a step back. “What is it, what’s wrong?” He asked as he stared at Castiel with apprehension. Castiel knew he was worried. This wasn’t going to be easy.

 

Castiel had to make a decision. Balthazar was a stubborn man. He was friendly, lively, and often very humorous. But he was not one to back down without a fight. If Castiel were to mention his father’s threat, he would want to run away as quickly as possible.

 

Castiel would never want Balthazar’s life on the line. He had to hurt him. That was the only way he could save the man he’d do anything for. Even give up his relationship to be wed to a stranger. At least his father would die proud.

 

“Balthazar, I don’t think we should continue our relationship. It’s not right. It never has been.” Castiel said blankly, devoid of emotion.

 

Balthazar’s face twisted with emotion. Hurt, betrayal, anger. Castiel hated himself for putting that look on his beloved’s face.

 

“I don’t understand. What is it something I did? I thought you didn’t care if it wasn’t right.” Balthazar clenched his fists. He had a tendency to do that when he was frustrated. Castiel wanted so much to hold him, to tell him he was lying, that it would be alright- but he couldn’t.

 

“I’ve changed my mind. I’m to be King someday and I need to fulfill my duties. You have been in the way of that for quite a long time.” Castiel felt his stomach churn and his chest tighten. He ignored the feeling and continued, “Our time together was wonderful. But we must part ways.” Castiel faked a smile as he felt his heart shatter into pieces.

 

Balthazar’s eyes were wide and Castiel could see he was at the verge of crying. But he knew he wouldn't cry in front of Castiel. Balthazar hated showing vulnerability.

 

“If that’s what you wish, your highness,” Balthazar sneered. He was in pain but Castiel figured this was for the best. At least he'll get to live a long life. Maybe get wed to someone who could give him everything he deserved. Everything Castiel couldn't give to him.

 

“Good day, Balthazar,” Castiel managed to smile again and made his way out of Balthazar’s room. He could swear that he heard his lover’s sobs from the end of the hall. Castiel wished he could go back. He wished he could run but he was selfish. He couldn't bear to think of a world without the man he loved.

 

xxx

 

Castiel marches down to his father’s room. King James Novak’s room was one of the biggest rooms in the Palace, furnished with luxurious furniture and carpets made from the finest material. The Novak Palace was one of the most beautiful and extravagant palaces in the whole five kingdoms. His father had a taste for the finer things in life.

 

“May I come in?” Castiel asked. The door was open and he could see his father writing letters, his face cold and calculated. His father wasn't a man who showed much emotion, aside from rage and contempt.

 

“You may.” James replied sternly. Castiel walked in hesitantly. He couldn't help but fear his father. His childhood was the reason why. Though he didn't like lingering in the past. The darkness it brought was overwhelming and Castiel didn't think he could live if it engulfed him.

 

“I have ended my relationship with Balthazar. I am willing to marry Prince Dean Winchester.” Castiel wanted to add 'I hope you’re happy now' but he didn't want to get on his father’s bad side. Even if Balthazar was out of the picture, he couldn't risk his safety.

 

“I knew you would make the right decision, son. You have never ceased to make me proud.” King James said standing up and making his way towards Castiel, arms wide.

 

Castiel moved forward and embraced his father. He felt sick to his stomach. His father only ever showed him love when he got what he wanted.

 

After patting his back and ruffling Castiel’s hair, King James sat down on his chair again. Castiel stood, hands behind his back, posture straight.

 

“King John Winchester will be delighted to hear that you have consented. He has informed me that Dean is willing as well.” James continued to go on about how this marriage will be beneficial to the kingdom. How the union of two of the most powerful kingdoms in Aryes will have their enemies wanting to become their allies.

 

Castiel tuned out his father’s description of Dean. He did not have any interest in him. Despite Dean having no fault in this matter, he felt anger towards him. Resentment.

 

His father may be able to force him to marry Prince Dean for the protection of his legacy, for the strength of his Kingdom, but he could never force him to love a man whom he disliked before meeting.

 

Nothing good had ever happened to Castiel. When it had it never lasted.

 

Castiel nodded, smiled and took his leave when King James granted him permission.

 

He was not looking forward to meeting Dean in a few weeks. He managed to tune in when his father said that was when they will be able to arrive, fully prepared for the engagement and wedding.

 

'Great,' Castiel thought. 'Only a few weeks to work through his tumultuous emotions.'

 

Castiel rarely drank, but he felt that could help a lot given the circumstances.


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel felt extremely light. Lighter than he had ever felt in a long time.

 

He looked around and he noticed he was in a meadow. It seemed familiar. He was wearing his blue silk tunic, the one Balthazar had gifted him because he thought it matched his eyes.

 

Castiel remembered the days he was here. This spot was scared in ways no one could ever imagine. When Castiel and Balthazar needed privacy, or wanted to relax, they would come to the meadow, surrounded by lush forests.

 

Balthazar would call this spot their true home; their sanctuary. Castiel felt at peace here. He felt safe.

 

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a figure moving but quickly hiding in the shadows.

 

“Who’s there?” Castiel asked, ready to get up if he needed to.

 

The figure who hid in the shadows came out and revealed himself. It was Balthazar.

 

Castiel felt relieved and he beamed with joy. ‘When was the last time I felt this much joy?’, he thought.

 

Balthazar walked towards him, smiling. He looked handsome as ever in his armor. His fair complexion and light hair resonated by the sunlight shining down upon him.

 

The whole meadow was full of darkness. Balthazar was the only one who brought upon light by his presence. Balthazar has always been the one to bring light into Castiel’s dark life.

 

Balthazar stood before him, eyes crinkling in delight. He wrapped his arms around Castiel and leaned up for a kiss. Castiel leaned towards him and pressed his lips against Balthazar’s. He always loved the feeling of Balthazar’s stubble against his face.

 

This time, something was different. Balthazar’s kiss felt as if someone had electrocuted him.

 

Castiel stumbled backwards and fell, eyes wide in horror. Balthazar’s expression was unreadable. He crouched down in front of Castiel. He was bleeding. The features of his that were ever so delicate now looked horrifying.

 

His face twisted and he screamed in agony from a kind of pain Castiel could not determine.

 

“You did this to me, Castiel.” Balthazar yelled. There wasn’t any light shining upon him now.

 

Castiel felt his heart beat faster, he felt as if he couldn’t breathe. He felt as if his whole body was on fire. Every nerve ending screaming from excruciating pain.

Just as he thought the darkness would finally get him, he woke up, gasping for air.

 

xxx

 

The first thing Castiel noticed after he got his breathing under control was that he wasn’t alone in his room. His sister, Anna, was sitting beside him, with a taut expression.

 

“Anna, what’re you doing here?” Castiel asked as he ran his fingers through his dark hair. He must look completely disheveled.

 

“I came in to check on you, dear brother. You’ve been having nightmares for the past three weeks.” Anna sighed and continued, “When I came in you were breathing heavily and were whimpering as if you were in pain. I decided to shake you awake.”

 

Castiel closed his eyes and felt guilty for worrying his sister. He knew it wasn’t his fault- well, it was somewhat his fault. Castiel had started drinking again. He only ever did so when he wanted to be relieved from the pain he felt from reality.

 

He had never drank, only occasionally, when he was with Balthazar. His presence in his life had made everyday life easier to manage. He made it worth living.

 

Now Castiel was alone, about to be betrothed to a man he feels he could never love. Drinking is the only way he could survive at the moment. If he didn’t, he’d have to go through several episodes during the day.

 

Episodes. That’s what his father called it. Episodes of Castiel showing weakness. Times when he isn’t able to be a man and accept the situation.

 

Castiel held back tears and looked up at Anna.

 

“I’m sorry for causing you trouble, Anna.” Castiel mumbled.

 

“Don’t apologize, Castiel. I’m just worried about you. I’ve told you to not drink as much as you do.” She took a deep breath and held Castiel’s hand in hers.

 

Castiel looked away. He hated talking about his drinking. He felt ashamed, but Anna’s eyes only showed concern, not scorn.

 

“It’s not the drinking that’s causing the nightmares, Anna. It’s the situation I’m in.” Castiel held on to her hand tighter and looked away. “I don’t want to go through with this. I don’t want to marry Dean, but I have to. I know I sound like a child having a tantrum but-”

 

Anna cuts him off by hugging him tightly.

 

“You’re reacting in a normal way. If father had done the same to me, I wouldn’t have been able to bear it.” She places a kiss on his cheek and sits back.

 

“You’re strong, Castiel. Don’t listen to what father says. You agreed to his terms for the sake of the wellbeing of the Kingdom. Not many would’ve done the same.”

 

Castiel placed his hand on Anna’s cheek and gave her a small smile.

 

“Thank you for always being there for me.” Castiel said as he ruffled Anna’s dark red hair. She’s a striking image of Castiel’s mother. His mother who died long ago. He doesn’t dwell on that fact for long.

 

“Don’t thank me. You have done the same for me many times.” Anna said as she got up from the bed and motioned Castiel to lay down.

 

Anna pulled the blanket, the one she made on her own, over Castiel.

 

She took her leave after whispering good night.

 

Thankfully, Castiel fell asleep rather quickly.

 

xxx

 

Castiel woke up early in the afternoon. This had become his daily routine: wake up late, stay in his room, eat when his servants implore him to, and then drink until he can pass out and sleep.

 

For three weeks Castiel had isolated himself from others, kept away from his father. Deep down he knew that this was not the right way to deal with his problems but he saw no other choice.

 

By being intoxicated Castiel felt relief. The same kind of relief he got when he read. The feeling of ignoring who he was and his reality. Though reading did not numb the pain he felt.

 

Drinking honestly was his best bet.

 

Castiel had his moments of weakness in the past three weeks. He wanted to confront Balthazar again to tell him the truth. He wanted to be with him for one last time but he knew. He knew that would just cause more hurt and Balthazar would never forgive him.

 

Many people have had affairs even when they are married but Castiel was not one to wrong another due to selfishness. Castiel may not love his to-be husband, may even despise him, but he wouldn’t tarnish the sanctity of marriage.

 

Anna had mentioned how handsome Dean is when they received a portrait of him. She told him how his green eyes are mesmerizing, his smile is one ladies and lads alike would fall for, and how he’s a strong fighter.

 

Castiel had joked that if she liked him that much, then she should marry him. Anna was quite upset by that. Castiel had the tendency to be blunt. He apologized soon after.

 

If Castiel wasn’t in love with Balthazar, he might have entertained the thought of Dean and may have looked forward to meet him tomorrow. Oh right- tomorrow. That’s when King Winchester, his sons, family, and their friends will arrive.

 

Castiel groaned and finally sat up in his bed. He felt unbearably tired.

 

Castiel made his way to the far end of his room. He relieved himself in his chamber pot and washed his face with the bowl of water placed on a table situated against the wall.

 

Doing simple tasks made Castiel feel sick these days. He wanted to remain in bed all day. Castiel was dreading the day to come.

 

Castiel walked back to his bed and sat down. He rested his head in his hands and focused on his breathing. He could feel another episode coming on.

 

After a few minutes he heard a knock on his door.

 

“You may come in” Castiel answered, massaging his temple.

 

“Castiel! I see you’re still hiding in your room.” Gabriel said playfully.

 

Castiel looked up and suppressed a groan. ‘Why is he here’ Castiel thought. Castiel didn’t like how enthusiastic his cousin always seemed. He knew Gabriel loved him but he was rarely ever at home.

 

Gabriel did heaven knows what out riding his precious horse. He probably wooed women and searched for new sweets to eat. Castiel didn’t like sweets that much.

 

“I’m not hiding, Gabriel.” Castiel sighed.

 

“Then why are you sulking then? You’re going to meet your soon to be husband tomorrow.” Gabriel asked, taking a seat on the sofa across Castiel’s bed. His golden hair seemed longer than the last time Castiel saw him. He must’ve returned for the engagement and wedding.

 

“I’m sure you know that I’m being forced to marry him.” Castiel closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to talk about this at all.

 

“I’m aware of that but I don’t see the point of being upset when you can’t change anything.” Gabriel folded his arms across his chest.

 

“I’ve also heard he’s quite charming.” Gabriel added with a smirk.

 

Castiel rolled his eyes and replied, “I wouldn’t care even if he was the handsomest man in the whole five kingdoms. He can’t take Balthazar’s place in my heart.”

 

Castiel felt his heart clench when he said Balthazar’s name. He hadn’t said it out loud in what felt like centuries.

 

“Cassie, how long are you going to mourn the loss of him?” Gabriel’s tone had turned more serious. He was rarely ever serious.

 

“For as long as I live.” Castiel said stubbornly, looking away.

 

“You’re acting like a child, you know that? I know you love him.” Gabriel sighed and continued, “But sometimes things don’t go as planned. When that happens- you’re supposed to make the most of it.”

 

Castiel scoffed, not wanting to hear anymore. He was never an optimistic person. He had no reason to be.

 

“I appreciate you trying to console me, but I don’t think I can ever accept that. I may marry Dean but I know I won’t ever be happy.” Castiel said looking up at Gabriel, grimacing.

 

“Trust me, one day you will believe that.” Gabriel smiled slightly and stood up. “I have to go now. Your father has been asking me to run some errands. Try to go out today. Big day tomorrow. I’ll see you then.”

 

Castiel nodded when Gabriel waved goodbye. He watched him leave his room with a frown.

 

He had no intention of getting out of his room.

 

Meg, a servant, came in right after Gabriel left with his breakfast. She seemed concerned as she looked at him. Why wouldn’t she be? Castiel must look like a mess, dark circles under his eyes, hair not combed neatly.

 

Thankfully, she left without a word.

 

Castiel managed to eat half of his porridge and a few bites of his omelet. He didn’t hunger for food. He hungered for comfort and happiness. Both of which alcohol could provide. He didn’t care that is was only temporary.

 

He set the tray from which Meg brought him his breakfast on his side table and proceeded to grab his pitcher of wine and poured himself a cup. He had his personal goblet like cup made for drinking.

 

He admired its gold color, the color that reminded him of Balthazar’s hair.

 

He took a sip and pondered about how he should act tomorrow when he meets Dean.

 

He figured he should leave that for tomorrow and continued to drink until he slipped away from reality with a smile.


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel had to wake up quite early today. He had gotten used to waking up after everyone had their lunch but today was different. Despite his throbbing headache he had to get up and freshen up because his prince in shining armor was to arrive and sweep him off his feet.

 

Anna didn’t appreciate his sarcasm.

 

His servants made him a hot bath, which he was grateful for. The feeling of soaking in warm water caused all of his muscles to relax and for him to forget the inevitable for a while.

 

He decided to finally leave the bath when his fingers started to get wrinkly. He put on his robe and made his way in front of his mirror. He looked tired. Once his blue eyes shined, at least that was what Balthazar said. Now, they looked dull, lifeless even. The dark circles under his eyes were more prominent.

 

Castiel brushed his hair and tried his best to make himself look decent. It’s not unusual for princes to feel tired, so hopefully his guests won’t ask too many questions.

 

Anna had picked out what he was to wear when he was sleeping. His clothes were laying on top of his bed. His elaborately embroidered gold tunic, along with his black silk trousers. She had also placed jewelry to wear on top of his dressing table. He figured he had to show that he was a prince. He didn’t like to wear heavy gold, but he had to do what he was told.

 

He quickly changed his clothes and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked quite handsome if one was to ignore the bags under his eyes. Not that he cared of what anyone thought of him.

 

One by one he started putting the rings on his fingers on his right hand. He admired them for a few seconds. Then, he pinned the golden brooch on his chest. It held special meaning as it was their family’s crest; an angel’s wings. He decided not to wear the heavy gold necklace because it would make breathing difficult for him.

 

He needed to be able to breathe to keep himself calm when the reminder of his horrible fate arrived.

 

Thankfully, before he worked himself up to an episode, his sister arrived. She didn’t bother to knock.

 

“Castiel, are you ready? We can see them coming from the gates.” Anna asked, excitedly. She was wearing a lovely purple colored silk dress. Her long hair was done up and she was wearing beautiful gold and jewel encrusted necklaces and rings. She looked very gorgeous which made Castiel smile.

 

“Yes, I’m ready. Why wouldn’t I be?” Castiel answered, annoyed. He got up and Anna surprised him with a quick hug.

 

“I was just checking. You look quite handsome by the way. Dean will surely be impressed.” Anna teased.

 

Castiel knew Anna was just trying to lighten the mood but he was not looking forward to meet him. He probably never would look forward to spend time with him.

 

“I don’t need to impress him, Anna. Our marriage is only a way to unite two kingdoms.” Castiel said, grimly.

 

Anna frowned, placed her hands on her hips, and sighed. “I never said that you need to. I know you’re upset and heartbroken but-“

 

Castiel took her hand and walked out of his room, cutting her off. He didn't want to hear another lecture. He had heard enough from Gabriel yesterday.

 

Anna giggled and wrapped her arm around his and walked down the hallway to the long hall. Castiel rarely ate his meals here, but this room was always full of life. Lords, ladies, and children always wandered about.

 

It had been a long time since he had left his room. Anna and Castiel made their way to the gate. They didn’t go outside because their knights were protecting the walls if anyone were to attack them.

 

He could see people walking along with people riding on their horses. He was expecting the King and Princes to travel in a carriage.

 

As they were coming closer to the main gates of the castle he noticed Balthazar standing near them. He felt intense longing in his chest. It had been a long time since he saw him aside from his dreams.

 

Anna noticed that he was staring and lightly poked him in his chest with her elbow.

 

“It will only bring you more pain.” She whispered, her eyes showing nothing but empathy.

 

Castiel straightened his back and held on to Anna’s arm tighter.

 

Suddenly, someone put their hand on his shoulder.

 

“How are you feeling?” Gabriel asked as he stood in front of him.

 

“Better than I have ever felt.” Castiel answered, dryly.

 

“I see you didn’t take my advice into consideration.” Gabriel chewed on his lips slightly but his smile returned soon after. “Anna, my goodness. You look quite gorgeous.” He said, arms wide.

 

“Thank you, Gabriel. You look well yourself.” Anna said after she embraced him.

 

Anna and Gabriel started conversing about what’s for lunch and about how different the House of Winchester royals are from the House of Novak. Castiel tuned them out and focused on his breathing.

 

After a few minutes he noticed the fleet had arrived at the main gates. The knights bowed before the King in respect. He heard someone call his father and he arrived short after.

 

“Castiel, come outside with me to greet John and his family.” James said, sternly. He looked tired too. Castiel wondered how long he had left. Everyone in the Novak Kingdom was aware that his days were numbered.

 

“Okay, father.” Castiel mumbled, not starting an argument, as he walked behind him feeling anxiety build up in his chest. He started breathing through his nose to keep his heart rate steady.

 

“John, it’s been so long since we’ve met. It’s so good to see you.” James said as he shook John’s hands.

 

“It’s good to see you too, James.” John replied gruffly, with a smile.

 

King John Winchester didn’t look like a king. He was wearing riding trousers, with tunic made out of leather. He could see the chainmail he was wearing inside from his low risen collar. He wondered if this was what Anna meant by them being different than how people dressed in the south.

 

Castiel was purposefully avoiding looking at Dean so he kept his gaze on his father as he and John conversed about political affairs that he had no interest in.

 

Maybe it was his mind playing games but he could honestly feel Balthazar’s glare like daggers on his back. He shifted uncomfortably on his feet.

 

James cleared his throat and brought Castiel back to attention.

 

“Castiel, I asked you to introduce yourself to the King and his sons.” He said, sweetly. Castiel wanted to laugh at his pretense.

 

“Sorry, father. I was distracted.” Castiel replied with a small smile. “It’s an honor to meet you King Winchester.” Castiel moved forward and shook his hand. John smiled and patted his shoulder.

 

“Call me John, we don’t need titles and formalities between us.” Castiel nodded and turned towards whom he supposed was Dean. Anna told him he’d be the one who’s shorter than the other brother named Sam, short for Samuel.

 

Castiel stared at Dean for a few seconds. Dean was indeed handsome. His eyes were as green as Anna had described and he indeed was well built. Though, he suddenly started to feel resentment towards him because in his mind Dean was the reason he couldn’t be with Balthazar.

 

He shook himself out of his thoughts and held his hand out. Dean smiled and shook his hand. Castiel noticed his palms were sweaty.

 

“Pleasure to meet you, Dean.” Castiel said, hoping his smile didn’t seem as fake as it was.

 

“Likewise.” Dean said. His voice was deep and rough, though not as gruff as his father’s. Castiel noticed that he was wearing leather and chainmail as well.

 

Castiel turned and shook Sam’s hand. He was quite taller than Castiel and his grip was firm.

 

“Nice to meet you, Sam. You are taller than I imagined.” Castiel commented, folding his arms across his chest.

 

“You are not the first person to say that, Castiel.” Sam said after he laughed wholeheartedly. His brown hair was longer than he had ever seen on a man in the south. He wondered if it was common for northerners.

 

“So are you going to keep us standing outside or are we going to be invited into your castle, James?” John joked as he put his hand on Dean’s shoulder and squeezed. Dean instantly stood up straight and smiled.

 

“Of course.” James said as he led the Winchesters, their distant family, and friends inside.

 

Castiel remained put at the gates for a while. He could feel his chest tighten but he continued to take deep breaths. He suddenly felt hands on his shoulder, massaging him.

 

Castiel leaned into the touch and started to feel relaxed. He placed his hand on the one who was massaging him and noticed the hand was of a man’s, not Anna’s as he had assumed.

 

He turned around instantly and noticed it was Balthazar. He was in his armor, and the knights around him were watching their interaction curiously.

 

“Before you say anything you probably won’t regret, I should tell you that you were close to having an episode.” Balthazar took a deep breath and continued, pain evident in his voice. “I didn’t want you to go through that so I decided to help. No need to thank me or say you hate me. I’ll take my leave.”

 

And with that Balthazar walked away and stood back in his place near the main gate.

 

Castiel wanted to go up to him and kiss him because despite what he did Balthazar still cared.

 

He wondered what Balthazar thought of him and what he thought of him marrying Dean.

 

Castiel reprimanded himself quickly. He shouldn’t care what Balthazar thinks. There could never be anything between them. Not anymore.

 

Castiel made his way inside and saw that lunch had started without him. Despite not feeling hungry he sat beside his father and sister at the high table in the long hall.

 

He noticed Dean looking up at him intently during the meal. Castiel avoided his gaze and ate as much as he could manage to.

 

Anna looked concerned and held his hand at times during the course of the meal. He was glad no one could see her comforting him. He was grateful to have such a caring sister as her.

 

“Now that we are all full, I think John and I should go and talk about engagement and wedding arrangements.” James said. Everyone at the table was quiet. Castiel didn’t know who anyone was aside from the Winchesters. He figured he’d find out soon enough.

 

“I think Dean and Castiel should spend some time alone to get to know one another.” John added.

 

Dean was drinking wine and he suddenly started choking on it. Castiel wondered if it was because of what John said.

 

“Are you alright, Dean?” A middle aged woman with dark brown hair said.

 

“Yes, I’m fine.” Dean replied. “Guess it went into the wrong pipe.” Castiel heard a few people laugh at that.

 

“I think that’s a great idea, John.” James turned his head and faced Castiel. “Take Dean out to the courtyard. There you will find privacy and may get to know each other more.”

 

Castiel knew it was an order but it sounded like a father wanting the best for his child.

 

Castiel stood up and motioned Dean to come with him. Castiel cursed his luck. He had only prepared himself for an introduction. He wondered if he could feign illness and get away with not having to spend time to Dean. He wondered if that would seem a little too convenient.

 

Dean didn’t say anything as Castiel guided him outside into the courtyard. Castiel loved to take walks here. Anna and Castiel would sit down on the benches and talk for hours at a time. Sometimes he spent time here with Balthazar too. Castiel loved flowers and he helped the gardeners water the plants at times as well.

 

Castiel stopped in front of his favorite tree. It was a rather sunny day and the shade it provided was comforting.

 

He twiddled his thumbs and looked up at Dean who seemed just as nervous as him.

 

“How was your journey?” Castiel asked after a few moments of thinking of what to say.

 

Dean seemed surprised at the question. “It was long and very tiring. Took us three weeks to get here. We had to stay in inns and sometimes camped too.” He smiled and continued, “It was nice though since I got to spend time a lot of time with Sam before-“ He cut himself off and looked away.

 

“Before our wedding.” Castiel said, ending Dean’s sentence for him. He wondered if Dean noticed how bitterly he said that.

 

“Right. Exactly.” Dean seemed uncomfortable but managed to smile weakly.

 

“So is there anything you would like to know about me?” Dean questioned after Castiel said nothing for a few minutes.

 

“Not really.” Castiel replied, blankly.

 

Dean’s expression was unreadable but Castiel was good at reading pain and it seemed that Dean was hurt by his answer.

 

“Why not? We are to be married soon. You are not the least bit intrigued in who I am, what I like, and if we could get along?” Dean sounded frustrated but he seemed rather good at keeping his cool.

 

“Our marriage is just a way for our kingdoms to unite. It’s a way to gain more power, to make people happy. It’s our duty to our nation.” Castiel answered, staring into Dean’s eyes. “If you expected anything more then I’m sorry.”

 

Castiel wondered if that was too harsh of him to say.

 

“You’re right. I should’ve known better.” Dean confessed, voice wavering a little.

 

“We must pretend for the sake of our alliance. I hope you comply.” Castiel sighed and continued, “I have a headache. I will take my leave.”

 

Dean nodded but didn’t say anything. Castiel wondered if it was his imagination or if Dean’s lips actually quivered.

 

Castiel turned away and made his way inside of the castle. Thankfully no one was there who’d ask him questions.

 

He quickly made his way into his room and locked the door.

 

Castiel had never been so cold, so harsh to someone before. ‘But you were the same to Balthazar’ his mind reminded him. Castiel gritted his teeth and placed his head in his hands. He didn’t want to get married, he didn’t want to spend time with Dean. He wanted to be nicer but he knew there was no way he could get along with Dean.

 

Dean was trying but it would never be enough for Castiel. It’s not like his father ordered him to fall in love with Dean. He was sure his father knew that was impossible.

 

Castiel laid down in his bed and tried to get Dean’s hurt expression out of his head.

 

Surprisingly, sleep came easy to him. It always did when he wanted to escape.

 

xxx


	4. Chapter 4

Loud banging on his door was the reason Castiel had woken up so abruptly. After a long time he had a very pleasant dream. He remembered he was with his mother, sitting in a garden, sunlight brightening her features. He actually felt happy there. He longed to feel that way again.

 

When the loud banging didn’t cease to stop, Castiel got up and walked to the door and realized that it was locked. He swiftly unlocked the door and saw his father standing there, anger evident in his eyes.

 

“I have been knocking for a while, Castiel. Why didn’t you open the door?” James asked, sternly.

 

Castiel looked down and fixed his gaze on his feet. “I was sleeping. It took me some time to get up. I’m sorry.” Castiel muttered.

 

“Look at me when you talk to me, son.” James ordered. Castiel raised his head and stared at his father.

 

James nodded and continued, “I was assuming that you’d still be with Dean. Anna told me that you felt poorly and went to bed. I hope that wasn’t an excuse, Castiel.” 

 

Castiel didn’t let his face show any emotion. Though, on the inside he felt nothing but anger and despair. 

 

“Everything happening all at once was quite overwhelming. I assure you it wasn’t an excuse.” Castiel replied, looking directly at his father.

 

James seemed to believe him and smiled. He made his way inside his room and sat down on the sofa. Castiel let out a sigh of relief.

 

“Good. I’m glad you’re aware of your duties and will do them as I expect you to. John and I have decided how to go about your marriage with Dean.” James said.

 

Castiel made his way to the bed and sat down on the edge facing his father.

 

“And what have you decided?” Castiel questioned. His voice bitter. Dean’s name brought upon that effect. 

 

James either ignored his tone or didn’t notice it and said, “John and I felt that there isn’t a need to have an engagement. He wants our kingdoms to unite as soon as possible.”

 

Castiel took a deep breath to calm himself down. He had thought he’d be given at least a couple of months to adjust to being Dean’s fiancé. He wanted more time but he knew nothing would ever make things easy for him.

 

“How soon does he want Dean and I to get married?” Castiel held his breath, he could feel the room getting smaller and smaller. His existence feeling like a burden, his chest heavier by the second.

 

“Two weeks.” James replied gruffly. “John will have people from his kingdom bring what they need for the wedding and I told him that we’ll be prepared too on time.”

 

Castiel felt his stomach twist and his heart clench. Two weeks until he’s married to someone whom he could never possibly love.

 

“Okay, father.” Castiel murmured.

 

“Anna and Gabriel will help you get ready for the wedding though the most important thing you have to do is be there.” James stood up and made his way to the door. “Don’t let me down.” With those four words he left Castiel’s room.

 

Castiel wrapped his arms around himself and let himself sob. Castiel let himself free the agony he felt through the tears he had been holding back for so long. It felt good to finally feel release. He cried for a long time. Long enough that Anna had come into his room and was hugging him to try to calm him down.

 

Minutes passed by but he couldn’t stop. He whispered I’m sorry again and again to Anna as she rubbed his back.

 

When he felt that he couldn’t physically cry anymore he took a deep breath that only managed to make his chest ache more. He looked up and saw how worried Anna was. He could see that her eyes were red and swollen too. He felt guilty for making his sister upset.

 

Before he could say any of that Anna said, “I know that look. Don’t you dare start blaming yourself.” Her voice seemed scratchy but he instantly felt warmth. Anna always managed to make him feel better.

 

“Okay. I won’t” Castiel gave her a small smile. “Thank you.” He whispered.

 

“Don’t thank me, dear brother.” Anna held his hand and continued, “You could be heard from all the way down the hallway. I had to make sure you’d be fine.”

 

Castiel looked up and kissed her cheek. “I don’t know what I did to deserve a sister as good as you.”

 

“We’ll see how much you’ll still love me when I ask you of your opinion on wedding wear.” Anna said teasingly. “Father gave me that task.”

 

Castiel frowned. “Can we not talk about the wedding, please?”

 

“Okay, not today then.” Anna replied with a sigh.

 

“How did you know that I felt sick and couldn’t spend time with Dean?”

 

Anna’s face brightened up. “Once I realized that it had been a long time since you and Dean went out, I decided to go to the courtyard. I was confused to have seen Dean sitting on the bench. His brother was there too. But you weren’t anywhere in sight.”

 

Castiel nodded, urging her to continue. Anna always told her stories with every little detail. Castiel always was brief and to the point.

 

Anna giggled, realizing that Castiel wanted a to the point answer. It never ceased to amaze Castiel how much she understands him.

 

“The sun was shining and the birds were chirping as I walked towards the-“ Castiel poked Anna’s stomach with his elbow.

 

“Get on with it” Castiel said, finally smiling because he meant it.

 

Anna returned his smile and continued, “I asked Dean why you weren’t with him. He told me that you felt sick and had to go to your room. We talked for a while and then I came in to check on you.”

 

Castiel wondered why Dean didn’t tell her of what he said to him. He didn’t linger too long on that thought.

 

“I see.” Castiel said as he stood up. He felt the urge to wash his face and that he did.

 

“Are you going to join us for dinner?” Anna asked standing by the door.

 

Castiel had thought that he must’ve slept through dinner. His stomach growled and Anna laughed at that.

 

“Well I guess that answers my question.” She said as she motioned for him to follow.

 

Castiel walked out of his room and closed the door behind him. He followed Anna into the long hall. Servants had already began setting the table. They were the first ones to arrive.

 

Anna took a seat and Castiel sat beside her. He suddenly started to feel anxious. He didn’t want to face Dean again but he had to. He took a few sips of water from the cup placed before him.

 

“How are you feeling, Castiel?” Anna looked worried. He hated making her worried.

 

“I’m fine.” He said, smiling and hoping it looked convincing.

 

Anna didn’t seem convinced but she let it go.

 

Slowly people started to arrive. Some he knew, some he didn’t. His father seemed pleased to see him at the high table. Castiel felt nauseous thinking that his father only ever looked at him like that when he had his way.

 

The Winchesters were the last to arrive. Castiel cursed the universe for having Dean sitting across from him. He looked up and saw Dean smiling at him. He smiled back.

 

Pretense, he thought.

 

James told everyone at the table about the marriage plans and everyone seemed very excited. Castiel watched Dean’s reaction. He was smiling but it didn’t reach his eyes.

 

He noticed that Sam didn’t seem happy at all.

 

Castiel suddenly felt too full and excused himself from the table. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him but he didn’t look back.

 

He walked out to the courtyard and sat down on a bench and tried to let the cool night air relax him.

 

He did not expect to hear footsteps behind him. “Anna, please. I would like to be left alone.” Castiel pleaded.

 

“I’m not Anna.” Dean answered.

 

Castiel turned around and was not able to hide the shock he felt seeing Dean of all people come after him.

 

“What are you doing here?” Castiel questioned, looking away.

 

“You told me to pretend, remember?” Dean shot back, bitterly.

 

Castiel furrowed his brows. “What does this have to do with pretending?”

 

“You really are something else aren’t you?” Dean said, mostly to himself. “I thought it’d seem quite romantic to have me come after you once you left so abruptly to see if you were alright.”

 

Castiel grinded his teeth. He knew they’d have to pretend and he hated that Dean was right and clever, but he felt annoyed by this situation.

 

“I’m glad to see that you’re fulfilling your duty. I’m fine and you may go now. I don’t want to spend more time with you than I have to.” Castiel said standing up, staring directly into Dean’s eyes.

 

Dean shook his head and for a second he could see pain. Dean was quick to mask it up with a smirk.

 

Huh. There seemed to be more to Dean that met the eye but Castiel could not be bothered. They were standing too close to each other, so Castiel took a step back.

 

“I’ll be pretending for the sake of our duty, but it would be nice if you would do the same.” Dean folded his arms across his chest and frowned. 

 

“I know what I’m doing, Dean.” Castiel grumbled. “I don’t need you to tell me what would be nice for me to do or not. You don’t have that right.” 

 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Why are you so full of yourself? I’m merely asking you to pretend as you asked me. I’m not here to tell you what to do. In the end that’s your choice.”

 

Castiel was not a violent person but he felt like punching Dean in the arm. He managed to not do that because he was not raised a heathen. 

 

“Fine. I’ll pretend. That’s what we have to do for the rest of our lives. We should be actors not princes.” Castiel said, his back towards Dean.

 

He heard Dean sigh behind him. “We don’t have to pretend forever you know. There have been many instances where arranged marriages have turned into lo-“

 

Castiel cut Dean off by turning around and saying, “Don’t you dare say that to me. I thought I made it clear that I am never going to be interested in you. It’d be wiser to stop hoping. Don’t expect anything from me, Dean.”

 

Dean’s face fell. The wall that he had put up crumbled and all that could be seen on his face was hurt.

 

Castiel wondered why Dean even kept trying. Castiel had heard about Dean and how he was a fierce lover and how people wanted him from all the five kingdoms.

 

He was perplexed as to why Dean cared. He could have anyone that he wanted. Castiel would make sure he’d clear that up after their wedding. Castiel may have his morals but he wouldn’t sentence another to a lifetime of abstinence despite his resentment.

 

“I’m sorry.” Dean whispered and made his way back in to the castle.

 

Castiel felt remorseful over the way he spoke to him but that remorse was quickly replaced by sadness.

 

Castiel was never a selfish person. He can see that Dean was also hurting from their fathers’ decision. He was also aware that this wasn’t Dean’s fault. He thought about how Balthazar must feel too.

 

Castiel sat back down on the bench and tried to calm himself down.

 

He missed his mother more than ever at that moment. He wished that she could be here to give him advice, to comfort him, to tell him everything will be okay.

 

Castiel used to pray when he was younger. He stopped when he realized it was of no use. No one was ever going to help him or ease his pain. No one ever did.

 

Castiel stayed put until it got too late and Gabriel took him inside, into his room with a blanket over him.

 

Castiel wished for nothing but relief as he was tucked into bed.


	5. Chapter 5

After what felt like centuries, Castiel felt safe. He felt as if he was home. Warmth engulfed him and he felt light. Relief flooded his senses. Castiel finally felt at peace. He was laying in his mother’s lap. She was singing and smiling at him. Her bright smile and twinkling blue eyes made Castiel’s heart clench. How long had it been since he had felt so content?

 

Castiel was seven when his mother had died. His father informed him that she died of an incurable illness. Castiel did not remember her being sick. He only recalled her crying when she thought no one was looking.

 

Castiel reveled in his mother’s affection. He had longed to feel her love as he missed her terribly. It felt amazing to relive moments that he cherished ever so dearly.

 

“I love you, Castiel.” Castiel’s mom cooed.

 

Castiel felt tears well up in his eyes. “I love you too, mother. I miss you.” He whispered, brokenly.

 

Castiel’s mother ran her fingers through his hair and said, “I do too. You’re my brave son. I believe in you. Everything will be okay. I promise.”

 

With that, she stood up. She smiled one last time and vanished.

 

Castiel’s eyes widened and he felt his chest tighten.

 

“Please don’t leave me again. Please.” He shouted.

 

He could feel his chest tighten. The room in which he was in started to spin. His vision was getting blurry and he could feel that his stomach was in knots.

 

Just as he thought he was going to run out of air to breathe, he woke up, heart racing, and covered in sweat.

 

Castiel looked around and saw that he was under a blanket in his room. How did he get here? He wondered it must have been his sister or cousin’s doing. He started to take deep breaths to calm himself down.

 

He turned over to lay on his side. His heart had stopped beating as erratically as before. He clutched desperately on to the good part of the dream that he had seen and fell asleep again.

 

xxx

 

It was early morning when Castiel woke up again. Someone had opened the curtains in his room which had caused the room to become incredibly bright by the sunlight.

 

Castiel freshened up so he could make it to breakfast on time. He didn’t wear anything fancy- just his trousers and a cotton tunic. Before he left, he checked his appearance in the mirror. He had dark circles under his eyes. He looked thinner than before. He hoped no one would notice.

 

He got out of his room to find Anna waiting for him. She gave him a quick smile and leaded him to the high table.

 

The mood at the table seemed to shift as soon as Castiel took his seat next to Anna. Everyone sitting seemed to look at him with disdain. His father cleared his throat, which made everyone else look away.

 

Castiel noticed that King John, Sam, and Dean were not present. He wondered if his behavior with Dean from last night had caused any issues. Would Dean have told them what happened? Why wouldn’t he, Castiel thought. He was incredibly rude when Dean was just doing what he wanted. Castiel always messed things up.

 

Castiel couldn’t stand not knowing so he turned and whispered to Anna, “Where are the Winchesters?”

 

Anna frowned. “Dean fell sick right after he returned from speaking to you. When we asked what happened, he didn’t say anything.” Anna twiddled her thumb and continued. “People at the castle think maybe you had something to do with it since you were in a bad mood.”

 

Castiel felt guiltier than he had ever been before. How could he have been so insensitive? Castiel needed to start looking at the whole picture and not focus on the wrong that had been done to him.

 

Castiel may never love Dean like he loves Balthazar, but that does not give him the right to treat Dean with contempt and discourtesy.

 

Without having his breakfast, Castiel stood up and turned to leave. He was stopped by his father when he asked where he was going.

 

“I am going to see Dean. I heard he is not well. Please excuse me.” Castiel said, facing the High Table.

 

“You are excused.” King James said with a smile.

 

Castiel heard murmurs from the High Table as he padded to the room Dean was staying in.

 

He noticed that the door was slightly ajar upon his arrival. He could see Dean laying down, looking awfully tired and weak. Sam was sitting beside him, frowning. King John was nowhere in sight.

 

Castiel knocked and held his breath. He hoped he can remain civil and give Dean the same courtesy that he gave him.

 

Sam invited him in with a scowl. Castiel wondered if he knew the reason why Dean was ill. He had heard of the closeness of the Winchester brothers. It reminded him of how close he was to Anna. Castiel smiled at the thought and took a seat in the burgundy colored leather sofa, right next to Dean’s bed.

 

“What you did to Dean was not acceptable, Castiel.” Sam said with his arms folded across his chest.

 

“Sam. Don’t.” Dean managed to say weakly.

 

Sam curled his hands into fists and nodded and left the room, closing the door as he went.

 

Castiel held his head in his palms, disheveling his dark brown hair more. He didn’t know where to begin.

 

“Why are you here?” Dean asked turning his head towards him.

 

“I heard you weren’t feeling well. I wanted to see you to wish you better health.” Castiel responded.

 

“I thought you didn’t care. I thought you didn’t want to spend more time with me than you have to.” Dean coughed and Castiel handed him a cup of water that was lying on the side table.

 

“What I said was uncalled for. I was only thinking about myself and how much I was hurting. I didn’t think that you must be hurting too. I apologize for my behavior.” Castiel looked away, he felt his heart clench. “You did not ask for this either.”

 

Dean let out a self-deprecating laugh. “Yeah, no kidding. But you have to do whatever it takes for family.”

 

Castiel gave Dean a warm smile. “That is true, Dean. Though it makes one resentful if it is forced upon you.”

 

Dean frowned. “I’m sorry, Castiel. I truly am. But we have to deal with the circumstances we have. If we keep focusing on what could have been, we won’t ever be able to move forward. And that is what we must do somehow.”

 

Dean’s words felt like a punch to the gut. He didn’t want to move forward. He didn’t want to forget what could have been. He longed to live a happy life with Balthazar. He longed to be in his arms and to not be married to someone he barely knows. He felt his eyes begin to water but he wiped his eyes before they could fall.

 

“I can’t guarantee you that I will be able to forget and move forward, but I do promise you that I will treat you with respect because we have to go through with this together.” Castiel said holding out his hand.

 

Dean held it and gave a toothy grin. “That means a lot.” He said.

 

Castiel felt much lighter than he was before. He did have a question that was bothering him. “Is it my fault that you are sick?” Castiel asked, voice barely above a whisper.

 

Dean pulled up his blanket and nodded. “Technically it is. Though it is my fault too. I’m not good at handling situations that make me highly upset. They make me anxious. Sometimes I even become sick when I’m upset.” Dean looked away, as if he were ashamed.

 

Castiel had never met someone before that felt the same way as he did. He was in awe. Dean had to snap his fingers to get his attention.

 

“Sorry, I got preoccupied in my thoughts.” Castiel ran his fingers through his mussed hair. “You experience the same thing that I do. I have never met someone that goes through the pain I do. My father calls them episodes.” Castiel sighed.

 

Dean grimaced. “My father thinks it makes me less of a man. He thinks it’s a weakness.”

 

Castiel felt anger begin to rush through his veins. Only someone who is brave and strong can suffer from what they do.

 

“You are not weak or less of a man for dealing with this, Dean. Trust me.”

 

Dean smiled. “Thank you. I’m glad someone else understands besides Sammy.”

 

“I’m glad you do too. I should go now. Anna wanted to ask me about decorations soon.” Castiel said softly. He honestly didn’t want to leave. He could feel that he could form a platonic connection with Dean. He started to feel hope after a long time. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad.

 

“Okay. I appreciate you coming to see me. We should do it more often once I’m better.” Dean said, hopefully. His eyes seemed brighter than when he first arrived in his room.

 

“We will.” Castiel said without any hesitation. He left the room and had a bounce in his step. That was until he noticed Balthazar was outside with another guard. Someone must have posted them here to be on duty as the two princes conversed.

 

Balthazar looked at him with complete sorrow and betrayal in his eyes. Castiel felt confused. He must have heard them talk. He couldn’t let this ruin his day, he thought.

 

Castiel made his way past them with his head held high. He had to make it through this if he wanted to be happy someday. But why did it feel so impossible when he yearned for Balthazar so much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing fic, feedback is appreciated. :)
> 
> **I am so so sorry for the delay. I was dealing with a lot of mental health issues and still am. But I managed to get this chapter out! Thanks for sticking around**


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